Finally.

I can freely say that I am happy.

Thank you..so much.

I didn’t think it was possible.

But you’ve made my life so much better.

I’m free from his grips.

I’m all yours, wholeheartedly. :]

Firsts.

April 10th. 12 am to 1:43 am. 

“If it was ‘would you accompany me in robbing bank of america?’ then definitely yes.”

New boy. I wonder if I’m ready. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

I’ve been a fool for you for far too long.

I love you.  But hopefully, I can be happy without you.

Come on new boy, I’m rooting for you. 

Late night rambles

I always think of you before I go to sleep.. “If he really wanted to be with you, he’d find a way.” True. So many thoughts are continually running through my mind about you. Over and over. When does it end. How much closure do i need to accept the fact that I can’t mean more to you than you mean to yourself. I can’t even begin to express my anguish, I can’t represent it in words that make sense. I just feel the pain. It radiates through my body whenever I stop my busy day just enough to have a slight thought or memory of you back into my head. Im sick and tired. Why the fuck can’t I let it go. You never find ways to get me back. You don’t care. And as my hand quivers typing those words wishing I’m just over analyzing things i know that I’m not. Its the truth. And its not like if I ever confronted you, id get answers. “i dont know” or a long tense silence with you looking at the floor is what ill get. I know you. I know how you act. I know that no matter how many times I “fix” things between us you’d end up letting me go. You’d rather see me go that try to change yourself for the better, to be worthy of me as you like to put it. There is no such thing as worthiness. If you loved me enough like you used to say you did, that’s worth. That’s all i needed. Your attention, your time, your good mornings..Its almost been a year since you decided to let me go..on my birthday.. its funny. no one in their right mind would want someone like you back. But its obviously been established that when it comes to you.. my mind goes out the window.. and my heart is dumbfounded and entirely useless. Ive known him six months, Ive known you about 4.. and within those six months..he’s tried..so hard to be with me. He went to church just so he can spend time with me. You once chose to clean your car rather than spend time celebrating my triumph.. And as much as I want to fall for him..i can’t do it. I don’t know how. You have all of me, And I want me back,, I just want to be happy without you..because I know you damn sure won’t try to be with me. And instead of hating you.. I hate myself..for not being able to let go. 

Time

Everyone knows that death is inevitable. Your time could be as imminent as an hour from now, you wouldn’t even know it. Recently there has been a couple of deaths in my family. One of a granduncle, one of an uncle. I never really got to now them. I thought I would have been able to get to know my uncle when I make my trip back home next year. But.. our times weren’t meant to catch up with each other I guess. It’s sad really. Its so hard to deal with the death of a loved one. I wasn’t even close to my two relatives who have passed on.. I can’t even put myself in the shoes of those they were so close to and they’ve left behind.

A friend’s mother is in the intensive care unit. An acquaintance admitted for pneumonia. For some reason, death is making his appearance all over this year. Its scary. No one’s ever ready for it. No one knows when it will hit.

Of course, among the muck that surrounds me about death and the limited time we have here on earth, my mind wanders to you. I do hope you’re alright. That nothing bad will happen to you or anyone close to you. And I wish I could have more time with you. Because I don’t know what tomorrow brings. All i know is that I want to spend as much time with you as possible. But you don’t see things the way I do. Time is so precious. You do what you enjoy as a beaming adolescent, you dance, you smoke, you go about with your friends in the middle of the night without caring about the consequences. And I sit here not living my own life, because I’m busy thinking up of ways to have our lives collide again. To have our path’s cross. Because I truly enjoyed it when it did. Its so hard to accept the ever growing distance between us.

My plans for the future involve me traveling the world. I intend to follow that plan. And once I start to reach for it, I won’t have time to go around chasing after you. Maybe its a good thing, because it seems you’d never let me catch you again..but as for now.. my mind is focused on the thought that our time is coming. Not the time of our deaths..but the death of our relationship: whether friendship or an intimate relationship.. we wont have either one in a years time. And as experienced…a year seems to pass by so quickly. I hope you’d still think of me from time to time once I’m completely out of your life.. 

which?

I don’t know what’s harder: learning to love someone who loves you..or waiting, hoping that the one you love will eventually love you back. Either way..someone gets hurt. If I choose the first, he might end up getting hurt if i fail. If I choose the second, I already know how badly it will hurt me. Its a lose lose situation. But I still can’t decide.

A good friend told me about his feeling pathetic at the idea that he gets excited that he gets to kiss a girl on stage for a play. I told him, id feel the same. Not about kissing a girl of course.. but just getting kissed. Its the affection that I’ve been lacking in my life for awhile. I’m not saying I can’t live without it..its just nice to have someone there to kiss. A reassurance that you bring happiness to someone and so they want to kiss you..

Ahh. I don’t want to possibly lead the first guy on. I like him, i do. A lot. But I still love the second. :[ I’m hoping the second will fade away into a memory.. but then.. i’ve been told that I’m with the first for the wrong reasons. Of course I get it. I’m not stupid. Rebounds are never good. I don’t want him to be a rebound. Shit. Save me, I’m lost. I know its wrong, but is it so wrong to want to feel wanted? Is it wrong to want to be appreciated, taken care of? I’ve given myself to the second one for so long.. I’ve gotten nothing back.. Maybe its selfish..but I’ve been deprived of care that I just cant let the first one go for his own good. Sure, you can say I’m cruel. But I’m cruel with a purpose.. I’m tired of being the one chasing.. I want to know what it feels like to be on the other side.

 I’m sorry if I ever end up hurting you.. You do make me happy.. I hope I make you happy too.. 

Goodnight. I love you.

Those are the last words I plan to say to him. If he had responded, things would have turned around. I would keep replying. I guess those “last words” was a test I’ve given myself. I knew he wasn’t going to reply. I’ve loved him for two years and counting..of course he wasn’t going to reply. But as usual, i’d hope he’d prove me wrong. And once again..disappointment comes. At the beginning of the year I convinced him and myself that we could go through with this seemingly doomed from the start relationship. I had it planned out, figured out in my head. I was going to make her accept him. I was gonna do whatever it was possible and impossible to find a way to keep him in my life. The one thing I didn’t count on..was his willingness to comply to my wishes, his willingness to make this work. All he had to do was follow my plan. I had it figured out. He didn’t have to do any of the thinking, he just had to participate in the action. “trust me, I want this to work,” he said. Those words brought tears to my eyes. Tears of joy for once. But words are just words when they come from him. When I said “goodnight. I love you,” I meant it with every fiber of my being. One month intervals. That’s how long my happiness lasted on our “on” days. Then we’d be “off” for a long time. Its just about a month. You’re just in time my dear. I wish I hadn’t chosen to start my year with you. But come to think of it… if i had the chance to do it over, I’d steal you from that party and take you with me once again.  

Mad

Baby I know sometimes its gonna rain

In a Standstill

Time moves on.Quite fast actually. But I’m here. At times moving extra slowly. And at times..not moving at all. Have you ever seen Men In Black II? There was a girl.. the light of…whatever Z planet it was.. And whenever she’d cry..it would rain. I wish it would rain when I cried. It makes your grief (in an odd way) more pleasant (although grief is rarely if ever pleasant.) If youre grieving and everything around you was sunshine and happiness you feel all the more miserable. The news said there was a high chance of rain today. I hope it pours and drowns the world. Well..maybe not that drastic.. I just want it to last. Last as long as it possibly can.. so I can cry my heart out. See..if I had that weird..connection with the rain as that Light girl.. he’d be the first to know. And  whenever it rained..he’ll know that I’d be crying. He’d know how much pain hes put on me. I’ve never cried so much over a person. Ever. And if I had that connection with the rain.. I’ll make sure he drowns in my misery. It’ll rain in fall, winter, spring, and mother fucking summer. I fucking hate how I keep trying to maintain what we’ve once had. I’ve been growing numb.. but not from the pain he’s causing me but from the pain the rest of the world causes. Nothing seems to compare. Sure I’m over dramatic. But that’s how it damn feels. I hate you for turning me into this. I could only wish the worst could happen to you..but I’m not even capable of that. Sigh. This blows..Correction. This fucking blows.

Stay or Quit

I’ve been waiting for my dreams To turn into something
I could believe in
And looking for that
Magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it
Until I let go
Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn
Now I’m coming alive
Body and soul
And feelin’ my world start to turn

“Time of my life” by David Cook

I never really cared much about it. It didn’t mean anything at all until that night. I still don’t know whether this is something real. If its real enough to be called love. Or is it simply a strong hormonal urge, a stupid infatuation. I haven’t figured it out. I don’t know how I ever will. All I know is that I lose all reality when I’m with you. Youre my distraction from the rest of the world. In that mpoment..pain ceased to exist. There was no such thing as drama. The word consequence lost all its meaning. It was pure happiness with complementary tears of joy. Gaaahh. I know its wrong. I know that. But the way you look at me. They way you hold my hand. They way we fit perfectly in each others arms. I lose all common sense. The only sense I hold on to is that I feel incredibly happy with you. 

And I’m desperately seeking to hold on to you that I avoid the question that’s been messing with my head for the last 2 months. What we have now feels so great that I don’t want to potentially ruin it by asking. But if I dont.. I know its going to eat away at me. Drive me nuts. I’d be living another lie. I’d be ignoring the facts. Fuck. Why do you have such a strong hold on me? Why do I let my self fall knowing you might not really be there to catch me. 

Banality

Life has become utterly routine and unbearably banal. I awoke surprisingly early, 6am. But instead of taking the initiative to do something productive with my day I decide to go back to sleep. There isn’t much to do around here but clean. Rarely has there been a time when my urges pushed towards cleaning. And besides, I heard bed bugs hate messy looking beds. Now why would I want to invite bed bugs? Anywho. My routine pretty much goes as follows: Wake up, get attacked by dog because she’s so excited that I’m finally awake. Walk dog. Throw trash. Go home. Eat brunch. Watch tv and eat whatever it is I find for the rest of the day. Ugh. Its so freakin boring. Shiett man. 

 I have driven away my usual texters due  to:

a.) my obsession with the unspeakable

b.) their obsession with me  thus causing me to go off on them

c.) my utter ignorance of their predictable texts

d.) my boring responses to their “how was your day?” texts

e.) All of the above

Sigh. I even thought about reading a good book. However, though I want to.. I’ve become incredibly lazy. I find my body feels heavier and heavier as every minute..correction..as every second passes. Yeah. Its that bad. I feel so dull and useless. I should be doing something to enhance err.. regain my intellectual way of life. I should be able to go out and have fun. But I do neither. I feel sad. So sad. I hate it. GAAAAAHHHH. Even my dog looks bored of me. This SUCKS. >:[ 

Day 20

Waiting for the day when my world stops revolving around you.. but as for now. Its all you baby.

There was a time when I was crying because I felt that my life’s gone from bad to worse. You were just there beside me and that was enough to calm me down. And wanting to lighten up the melancholy mood I’ve created I asked you if you thought I was still pretty when I cried.. You smiled at me and said I was and then you kissed me.

 I must be really pretty now.. cause there hasnt been a day when I didnt cry over you. I pray everyday that Id stop missing you. That id stop thinking of you.. But our memories surround me. There’s no escape. I wish I could but my mind and heart are addicted to you. No matter what I do.. they always go back to you. 

Why didn’t you fight for me? I was really hoping youd prove my mother wrong for once.. I wanted you to try and fix this. But you didnt even bother trying. Am i not worth it? Why did you let me go? 

Phone Note

I wrote the following on my phone the other day..cause I couldn’t sleep.. 

I hate it when you know for sure that things arent going to end well yet you still try; you hope that theres a slight chance that you’d be proven wrong. You expect something to disappoint you and when it does happen you’re more disappointed than you’ve planned to be. Like when you know something scary is gonna pop up.. Expecting it doesn’t make it less scary when it does appear. Sometimes expecting things intensifies your actual reaction to them. I know he’ll disappoint me.. He never ceases to do so.. But it doesn’t make it any better knowing he will.. Cause I always hope that he’ll surprise me. It never happens though. And I always end up the bad guy. Because apparently I had no right to get mad at his tardiness due to the fact that he never verbally told me to wait on him. But I guess its not in his common sense to know that when you make plans with people you shouldnt go without the people you had the arrangement with. How do you love someone who’s more in love with himself than he is with you? In his mindset he always comes first. What ever is convinient for him goes. He’s not the guy who’d drop what ever he’s doing so that he can pick you up to celebrate your long awaited success.. He’d choose the cleanliness of his car first and once he’s done (2 hours later) he’ll come get you. How is it that I can’t give him up? He doesn’t even see how badly he’s been treating me. When ever I’d point it out he would manage to turn it around on me and make me apologize or else he’d be pissed and go out drinking and smoking all night with his classic druggie friends. Oh sure he’d apologize for accidentally pulling my hair but for all the mistreatment? Hell fucking no. Why? because he said I shouldnt expect so much from him. That I should quit trying to change him. Would it kill to give priority to the person you claim to love every once in awhile? I get more priority from my friends who have their own girlfriends. That’s how much hes neglected me. And I know its cliché to tell your girlfriend sweet nothings or give them flowers but it’d be nice to get some. I recieve more compliments from my customers at work than I do from him. If ive decided to dress up all nicely, do my make up and hair, customers would always have something nice to say. But with him I have to fish for compliments. "does my hair look okay?" "yeah its fine." Oh boy, I feel good now! And ive been hating myself because I endure all this torture knowing that there’d be no rewards in the end. I expect to be disappointed every single time.. And I am. But I stay. Ive been staying through it all.. Ive been taking every blow, every tear. People ask me what I see in him.. I never really knew.. Maybe ive been staying to find something in him. But then..you can’t find what ain’t there. I wish I was strong enough to break away from it.. From this hold he seems to have on me. But every time I try it always ends up the same: I lose. 

Thought

I thought I knew him. In my world he was the one who loved me more than anything. He fit my grandmother’s rule: find a guy who loves you more than you love him. Why? Cause you’d be sure he’d never leave you. We had a weird relationship. There would be days when everything was happy go lucky even though there was a hint of fear due to the secrecy of our relationship. There were days when it was endless fights, endless drama. He was jealous of my friends though I wasn’t allowed to be jealous of his.  We could never see each other outside because people would talk.. and no one really approved. But every time we’d have a fight.. he’d just wait it out. It pissed the hell out of me. Its like he didn’t really care. He knew I was gonna forgive him..because I always did. I was happy and miserable at the same time. But I’d always wait out the miserable times because to me..the short time of happiness was worth it all. But then  I was always worried..worried of what would happen to us, where everything was leading. Scared..scared of them finding out and being exiled from the family.. Wondering..wondering if there was something better, like everyones been telling me. But one thing I was sure of..or thought I was sure of.. was that he loved me, more than anything. I chose to think things through by letting him go.. the first few days he couldn’t stand it.. I couldn’t either.. But he gave up.. I never thought he would. Never. I asked for another chance. He turned me down. The guy I thought loved me more than anything. I gave myself a month to try and get over it. Cause he seemed to have been able to do it in that time period.. why cant i? We didn’t even talk anymore. We didn’t even acknowledge each other’s presence. But.. I couldn’t handle it. I broke down the 3rd day. And I kept breaking down day after day. I reached out to him.. I dunno what we are now. But I am so fucking happy were talking.. were hanging out.. its like were back. But then.. it isn’t the same as it was before. I don’t even know if he’s just humoring me or if he does still really love me. I pour my heart out to him..waiting for a response that would reassure me that he’s still that guy…the guy who I thought loved me more than I could love him. But he didn’t. There was no response. He didn’t even say he loved me. He kinda just stared. And here I am.. head over heels.. over someone who could probably care less. He would tell me anything before. Now his "friends" don’t even have names. And all I have is hope. And prayer. I pray that he won’t break my heart..again. I hope I wasn’t wrong about this.. about him. I love him so much.. I hope he feels the same about me..

Screw Me Over

The only one on my side is kazumi. And shes always licking her private parts. "You’re not aggresive enough, you’re not open minded, you’re too laid back, you’re just a follower" How am I suppose to break away from my "sad state of being" if you’re not giving me the freedom to? What the fuck do you want from me? You say I never go for the things I want in life. You know why? Because you won’t allow me to. Im stuck in the ‘if you live under my roof you live by my rules’ phase. Wonder why I’m such a pathetic follower and not a leader? Because I’m stuck following your rules all my life. You don’t give me the change to pilot my own life. I never have a choice. You say you give me all these choices. The things I actually want to pursue you find every way possible so you can shut it down..make it look like the worst possible thing I could ever fucking do. You dangle the things I really want in front of my face to make it seem like I actually have a choice. But in reality what you say goes. It always does. You’re the one that doesn’t have an open mind. You jugde everyone around you. You listen to one side of the story and ignore the possibility of something happening different from how you first percieved it. You don’t even know first hand. You only learn from your coworkers as if they are the most brilliant creatures of this world knowing everything anyone could possibly know. I hate being the way I am: weak. Weak in front of your eyes and the people I’ve come to know. You nurtured me in this way. Its nature vs. nurture. And your so called nurturing always has to win. You don’t give me the chance to mess something up so I learn from it. You control everything. I have to do everything your way. If I mess up your way.. then I’m shit. I’ve always been shit to you. There’s rarely a day when I’m given praise, a day when you seem happy to have me as your daughter. I fucking hate you.

David Cook

David Cook just became the…uhm 6th? 5th? whatever.. he became the American Idol. I found out from Migs. And i thought it was cute because his mom[migs] loves American Idol. And she was so into it. She congratulated David Cook through the tv screen. And she called a bunch of people to tell them about his success. How sweet. Its a start of a new era. The Cookerian Era. Ha. That sounds cute. I never voted for Mr. Cook. Heard him sing once and I liked it. I think the only time i voted in American Idol was for Kelly Clarkson right after she sang Aretha Franklin’s "Respect." It was bloody brilliant. I like how "bloody" is similar to the F word in England. Ie: "Turn of that bloody alarm!!!!!"

Time’s passing by so quickly.. Cook is the 6th or 5th American Idol already. Im getting old. 18 years of life. That’s pretty long. My friends convinced me to try and buy salvia for them. I was so nervous about it. And I realized.. I’m not matured enough for this. I was too scared to do so. It’s not like it was illegal or anything. I was just too shy. I don’t try new things out for myself. I have to get people’s suggestions and opinions before I act upon something..and I don’t ask people questions unless its incredibly necessary. And if possible I make other people ask for me. I soo haven’t grown up yet. One way to positively look at it is that I act defensively ie like defensive driving. I ask people who have more experience in order to do things correctly. But then again.. its not really living. I’m using other people’s experiences as a guide. It’s not like heads will roll if I make my own mistakes. But I still don’t do much about it. I’m  so fearful of doing things wrong. I don’t know why or how I’ll come out of  my shell. I hope it happens soon.. because I can’t be a kid forever..

Uncertainty

My grandmother snuck out this morning. I know this for a fact because around 5 am I heard her heading to the bathroom to take a shower. It’d be incredibly interesting to find out that she’s been sneaking out with a boy err.. man. It’d be gross too. She still hasn’t come home. I hope she’s enjoying her day out. I’ve been home alone for about 3 hours now. I’ve bathed myself and kazumi. Painted my nails 3 different colors: orange, pink and green. Spent an incredibly awkward 20 minutes with the unspeakable. [If ever the unspeakable’s name is mentioned my life ends up in shambles.] I don’t know what that was. Either it was a realization that what’s been going ‘wrong’ in my life is actually for the better, or it was a step towards what I’ve been convincing myself as a promising relationship. I don’t know what I want..what direction I should follow. All I know is that I don’t want to be in this situation anymore. This situation where you’ve come to the conclusion that it’s time to move on however at the same time, you’re hanging on to the past with every bit of might you have left in your body. Why do we have to go through things like this? It fucking blows. I don’t know if its really love I’m after or if I’ve just been so used to having him around that I’m threatened and scared  of his disappearance. There’s no real way of figuring it out. There’s no way I can make a choice knowing it’s the right thing to do. I have to trudge into the darkness not knowing when light will return..because I can’t just wait in the middle of nowhere. I have to make a choice. Currently I think I’m heading towards the hope of a promising relationship. I hope I made the right choice.