Thought

I thought I knew him. In my world he was the one who loved me more than anything. He fit my grandmother’s rule: find a guy who loves you more than you love him. Why? Cause you’d be sure he’d never leave you. We had a weird relationship. There would be days when everything was happy go lucky even though there was a hint of fear due to the secrecy of our relationship. There were days when it was endless fights, endless drama. He was jealous of my friends though I wasn’t allowed to be jealous of his.  We could never see each other outside because people would talk.. and no one really approved. But every time we’d have a fight.. he’d just wait it out. It pissed the hell out of me. Its like he didn’t really care. He knew I was gonna forgive him..because I always did. I was happy and miserable at the same time. But I’d always wait out the miserable times because to me..the short time of happiness was worth it all. But then  I was always worried..worried of what would happen to us, where everything was leading. Scared..scared of them finding out and being exiled from the family.. Wondering..wondering if there was something better, like everyones been telling me. But one thing I was sure of..or thought I was sure of.. was that he loved me, more than anything. I chose to think things through by letting him go.. the first few days he couldn’t stand it.. I couldn’t either.. But he gave up.. I never thought he would. Never. I asked for another chance. He turned me down. The guy I thought loved me more than anything. I gave myself a month to try and get over it. Cause he seemed to have been able to do it in that time period.. why cant i? We didn’t even talk anymore. We didn’t even acknowledge each other’s presence. But.. I couldn’t handle it. I broke down the 3rd day. And I kept breaking down day after day. I reached out to him.. I dunno what we are now. But I am so fucking happy were talking.. were hanging out.. its like were back. But then.. it isn’t the same as it was before. I don’t even know if he’s just humoring me or if he does still really love me. I pour my heart out to him..waiting for a response that would reassure me that he’s still that guy…the guy who I thought loved me more than I could love him. But he didn’t. There was no response. He didn’t even say he loved me. He kinda just stared. And here I am.. head over heels.. over someone who could probably care less. He would tell me anything before. Now his "friends" don’t even have names. And all I have is hope. And prayer. I pray that he won’t break my heart..again. I hope I wasn’t wrong about this.. about him. I love him so much.. I hope he feels the same about me..