Phone Note

I wrote the following on my phone the other day..cause I couldn’t sleep.. 

I hate it when you know for sure that things arent going to end well yet you still try; you hope that theres a slight chance that you’d be proven wrong. You expect something to disappoint you and when it does happen you’re more disappointed than you’ve planned to be. Like when you know something scary is gonna pop up.. Expecting it doesn’t make it less scary when it does appear. Sometimes expecting things intensifies your actual reaction to them. I know he’ll disappoint me.. He never ceases to do so.. But it doesn’t make it any better knowing he will.. Cause I always hope that he’ll surprise me. It never happens though. And I always end up the bad guy. Because apparently I had no right to get mad at his tardiness due to the fact that he never verbally told me to wait on him. But I guess its not in his common sense to know that when you make plans with people you shouldnt go without the people you had the arrangement with. How do you love someone who’s more in love with himself than he is with you? In his mindset he always comes first. What ever is convinient for him goes. He’s not the guy who’d drop what ever he’s doing so that he can pick you up to celebrate your long awaited success.. He’d choose the cleanliness of his car first and once he’s done (2 hours later) he’ll come get you. How is it that I can’t give him up? He doesn’t even see how badly he’s been treating me. When ever I’d point it out he would manage to turn it around on me and make me apologize or else he’d be pissed and go out drinking and smoking all night with his classic druggie friends. Oh sure he’d apologize for accidentally pulling my hair but for all the mistreatment? Hell fucking no. Why? because he said I shouldnt expect so much from him. That I should quit trying to change him. Would it kill to give priority to the person you claim to love every once in awhile? I get more priority from my friends who have their own girlfriends. That’s how much hes neglected me. And I know its cliché to tell your girlfriend sweet nothings or give them flowers but it’d be nice to get some. I recieve more compliments from my customers at work than I do from him. If ive decided to dress up all nicely, do my make up and hair, customers would always have something nice to say. But with him I have to fish for compliments. "does my hair look okay?" "yeah its fine." Oh boy, I feel good now! And ive been hating myself because I endure all this torture knowing that there’d be no rewards in the end. I expect to be disappointed every single time.. And I am. But I stay. Ive been staying through it all.. Ive been taking every blow, every tear. People ask me what I see in him.. I never really knew.. Maybe ive been staying to find something in him. But then..you can’t find what ain’t there. I wish I was strong enough to break away from it.. From this hold he seems to have on me. But every time I try it always ends up the same: I lose.