January 2009
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Me

Just another f'd up girl hoping to find a peace of mind through ranting on about the on going cycle that has become of her life.

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Notes that circle around him, because I'd rather have it written here than let it continue to roam in my head.

Goodnight. I love you.

January 26, 2009

Those are the last words I plan to say to him. If he had responded, things would have turned around. I would keep replying. I guess those “last words” was a test I’ve given myself. I knew he wasn’t going to reply. I’ve loved him for two years and counting..of course he wasn’t going to reply. But as usual, i’d hope he’d prove me wrong. And once again..disappointment comes. At the beginning of the year I convinced him and myself that we could go through with this seemingly doomed from the start relationship. I had it planned out, figured out in my head. I was going to make her accept him. I was gonna do whatever it was possible and impossible to find a way to keep him in my life. The one thing I didn’t count on..was his willingness to comply to my wishes, his willingness to make this work. All he had to do was follow my plan. I had it figured out. He didn’t have to do any of the thinking, he just had to participate in the action. “trust me, I want this to work,” he said. Those words brought tears to my eyes. Tears of joy for once. But words are just words when they come from him. When I said “goodnight. I love you,” I meant it with every fiber of my being. One month intervals. That’s how long my happiness lasted on our “on” days. Then we’d be “off” for a long time. Its just about a month. You’re just in time my dear. I wish I hadn’t chosen to start my year with you. But come to think of it… if i had the chance to do it over, I’d steal you from that party and take you with me once again.  

Posted by kimtee at 2:47 pm | permalink | Add comment

Mad

January 21, 2009

Baby I know sometimes its gonna rain

But baby can we make up now 
Cause I can’t sleep through the pain
Girl I don’t wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don’t you to go to bed mad at me..
 -”mad” : Ne-yo
 
I love how  a song can get me so emotional. I really like Ne-yo. His songs are simple yet so in tuned with how heart ache and relationships unfold, interact, control our lives. I don’t even know if he has a girlfriend. I wouldn’t mind being his girlfriend. Hah. So I’m back in the cycle. Somehow I let myself be drawn back to the love-less relationship with the unspeakable. Love-less on his part anyway. Is it possible to love someone and just stay out of their damn lives? Can’t I just be happy that he’s doing his own things instead of sad that he’s too busy doing his own things to even mutter a hello. Its been about a week since we last saw each other. I’m starting to feel indifferent about him. Or maybe I’ve just gotten so accustomed to his negligence, that it doesn’t seem so bad anymore. It’s all very routine. I find a way back to his life, its good for a short duration (never over a month), and then I’m upset because he doesn’t care, doesn’t say “i love you”, etc. I could have possibly gone through a terrible illness and he would have never known. Is love so powerful that we bow to it no matter what? We lose ourselves in being slaves to our emotions. We lose ourselves completely. 
 
But then again.. it was always nice to lose ourselves in love when its returned. How do I get out of this cycle..should i just leave it be and try to live the rest of my life as normally as possible? Should I bravely end it again, causing me more pain that last time? Should I demand priority in his life?
 
I know its the second one. But I always go back.. I’d go for months and months thinking I could get through it, and then suddenly I’m back. The never ending cycle of girl loses boy, girl mends the pieces palliatively..then loses boy again.
When will this girl accept that he’s not the same boy she keeps trying to win back..
 
Posted by kimtee at 2:50 pm | permalink | Add comment