which?

I don’t know what’s harder: learning to love someone who loves you..or waiting, hoping that the one you love will eventually love you back. Either way..someone gets hurt. If I choose the first, he might end up getting hurt if i fail. If I choose the second, I already know how badly it will hurt me. Its a lose lose situation. But I still can’t decide.

A good friend told me about his feeling pathetic at the idea that he gets excited that he gets to kiss a girl on stage for a play. I told him, id feel the same. Not about kissing a girl of course.. but just getting kissed. Its the affection that I’ve been lacking in my life for awhile. I’m not saying I can’t live without it..its just nice to have someone there to kiss. A reassurance that you bring happiness to someone and so they want to kiss you..

Ahh. I don’t want to possibly lead the first guy on. I like him, i do. A lot. But I still love the second. :[ I’m hoping the second will fade away into a memory.. but then.. i’ve been told that I’m with the first for the wrong reasons. Of course I get it. I’m not stupid. Rebounds are never good. I don’t want him to be a rebound. Shit. Save me, I’m lost. I know its wrong, but is it so wrong to want to feel wanted? Is it wrong to want to be appreciated, taken care of? I’ve given myself to the second one for so long.. I’ve gotten nothing back.. Maybe its selfish..but I’ve been deprived of care that I just cant let the first one go for his own good. Sure, you can say I’m cruel. But I’m cruel with a purpose.. I’m tired of being the one chasing.. I want to know what it feels like to be on the other side.

 I’m sorry if I ever end up hurting you.. You do make me happy.. I hope I make you happy too..