Late night rambles

I always think of you before I go to sleep.. “If he really wanted to be with you, he’d find a way.” True. So many thoughts are continually running through my mind about you. Over and over. When does it end. How much closure do i need to accept the fact that I can’t mean more to you than you mean to yourself. I can’t even begin to express my anguish, I can’t represent it in words that make sense. I just feel the pain. It radiates through my body whenever I stop my busy day just enough to have a slight thought or memory of you back into my head. Im sick and tired. Why the fuck can’t I let it go. You never find ways to get me back. You don’t care. And as my hand quivers typing those words wishing I’m just over analyzing things i know that I’m not. Its the truth. And its not like if I ever confronted you, id get answers. “i dont know” or a long tense silence with you looking at the floor is what ill get. I know you. I know how you act. I know that no matter how many times I “fix” things between us you’d end up letting me go. You’d rather see me go that try to change yourself for the better, to be worthy of me as you like to put it. There is no such thing as worthiness. If you loved me enough like you used to say you did, that’s worth. That’s all i needed. Your attention, your time, your good mornings..Its almost been a year since you decided to let me go..on my birthday.. its funny. no one in their right mind would want someone like you back. But its obviously been established that when it comes to you.. my mind goes out the window.. and my heart is dumbfounded and entirely useless. Ive known him six months, Ive known you about 4.. and within those six months..he’s tried..so hard to be with me. He went to church just so he can spend time with me. You once chose to clean your car rather than spend time celebrating my triumph.. And as much as I want to fall for him..i can’t do it. I don’t know how. You have all of me, And I want me back,, I just want to be happy without you..because I know you damn sure won’t try to be with me. And instead of hating you.. I hate myself..for not being able to let go. 

Time

Everyone knows that death is inevitable. Your time could be as imminent as an hour from now, you wouldn’t even know it. Recently there has been a couple of deaths in my family. One of a granduncle, one of an uncle. I never really got to now them. I thought I would have been able to get to know my uncle when I make my trip back home next year. But.. our times weren’t meant to catch up with each other I guess. It’s sad really. Its so hard to deal with the death of a loved one. I wasn’t even close to my two relatives who have passed on.. I can’t even put myself in the shoes of those they were so close to and they’ve left behind.

A friend’s mother is in the intensive care unit. An acquaintance admitted for pneumonia. For some reason, death is making his appearance all over this year. Its scary. No one’s ever ready for it. No one knows when it will hit.

Of course, among the muck that surrounds me about death and the limited time we have here on earth, my mind wanders to you. I do hope you’re alright. That nothing bad will happen to you or anyone close to you. And I wish I could have more time with you. Because I don’t know what tomorrow brings. All i know is that I want to spend as much time with you as possible. But you don’t see things the way I do. Time is so precious. You do what you enjoy as a beaming adolescent, you dance, you smoke, you go about with your friends in the middle of the night without caring about the consequences. And I sit here not living my own life, because I’m busy thinking up of ways to have our lives collide again. To have our path’s cross. Because I truly enjoyed it when it did. Its so hard to accept the ever growing distance between us.

My plans for the future involve me traveling the world. I intend to follow that plan. And once I start to reach for it, I won’t have time to go around chasing after you. Maybe its a good thing, because it seems you’d never let me catch you again..but as for now.. my mind is focused on the thought that our time is coming. Not the time of our deaths..but the death of our relationship: whether friendship or an intimate relationship.. we wont have either one in a years time. And as experienced…a year seems to pass by so quickly. I hope you’d still think of me from time to time once I’m completely out of your life..