Late night rambles

I always think of you before I go to sleep.. “If he really wanted to be with you, he’d find a way.” True. So many thoughts are continually running through my mind about you. Over and over. When does it end. How much closure do i need to accept the fact that I can’t mean more to you than you mean to yourself. I can’t even begin to express my anguish, I can’t represent it in words that make sense. I just feel the pain. It radiates through my body whenever I stop my busy day just enough to have a slight thought or memory of you back into my head. Im sick and tired. Why the fuck can’t I let it go. You never find ways to get me back. You don’t care. And as my hand quivers typing those words wishing I’m just over analyzing things i know that I’m not. Its the truth. And its not like if I ever confronted you, id get answers. “i dont know” or a long tense silence with you looking at the floor is what ill get. I know you. I know how you act. I know that no matter how many times I “fix” things between us you’d end up letting me go. You’d rather see me go that try to change yourself for the better, to be worthy of me as you like to put it. There is no such thing as worthiness. If you loved me enough like you used to say you did, that’s worth. That’s all i needed. Your attention, your time, your good mornings..Its almost been a year since you decided to let me go..on my birthday.. its funny. no one in their right mind would want someone like you back. But its obviously been established that when it comes to you.. my mind goes out the window.. and my heart is dumbfounded and entirely useless. Ive known him six months, Ive known you about 4.. and within those six months..he’s tried..so hard to be with me. He went to church just so he can spend time with me. You once chose to clean your car rather than spend time celebrating my triumph.. And as much as I want to fall for him..i can’t do it. I don’t know how. You have all of me, And I want me back,, I just want to be happy without you..because I know you damn sure won’t try to be with me. And instead of hating you.. I hate myself..for not being able to let go.